Homesick

Tonight I am missing being in my own house...making it all christmasy...having our first Christmas together at 602 3rd Ave East...

It's weird not being in my house...I never thought I'd say this, but I am totally missing my cozy cedar living room....the big drafty windows, and all that made home home...

I attemped to drum up some Christmas spirit by digging all my christmas stuff out of the C-cans and bringing it to the rental house, but now I am totally not "feeling" it...can we just skip christmas this year...pleeeeaaaasssseeee?

I know this sounds awfully pathetic. I am not looking for sympathy. Rather, I am just being real and honest with myself. I've put on a pretty brave face in this whole ordeal. But tonight I am taking a little moment to grieve my first house. To try to come to terms with all the dreams that I had for our little house. To try not to think about what Christmas morning will be like this year...not at home. To not have a HOME to wake up in and for Mav to go to the Chirstmas tree in the morning and open gifts...I'm sure we will celebrate the day just fine with family...but it won't be at home...

Christmas is a hard time for me. Truth be told I wish we could skip it every year. I don't deal well with gift giving or receiving...it's an extremely awkward ritual for me. This year I convinced at least the adults in my life to choose things for each other from charity gift cataloges. I hope we are able to follow through. I just get so up tight about spending what I don't have on things that I am not convinced that other people even want or need. ...I literally have a box full of unopened Christmas gifts from yesteryear, just random things that I don't know what to do with. And like the gifts, still in their boxes, I really don't know what to DO with Christmas, and so I wish every year that I could just leave it in the box. Skip it. Deal with it some other time.

Like I mentioned in an earlier post I am reading Francis Chan's "Forgotten God". I just finished the second and third chapters of the book where he deals with the ideas of fear in association with the Holy Spirit, and also with the theology surrounding the Holy Spirit.  I feel like I have the same uneasy awkwardness about accepting the Holy Spirit to lead and work and be a part of my life, in the same ways that I such an "ick-factor" when it comes to gifts. The Holy Spirit is a GIFT. I don't do well with GIFTS!!! I think one of my biggest fears is what am I going to have to give to get this gift. What sort of a "deal" am I getting myself into if I choose to accept the Holy Spirit. Eeeeep! I'm getting anxious just writing these things down. Funny thing is though, in my head I know the gift of the Holy Spirit is FREE. It's not some shady deal. It's not some charismatic weird-o stuff. It's just a gift.

So whether or not I put up a tree this year, or even acknowledge the holiday season, I am going to spend some time reconciling my ideologies towards gifts...and the Holy Spirit.